I often hear educators, trainers, parents, and coaches talk about “teaching” children the right way, the correct technique. Don’t get it twisted here, certainly there are things we learn with each generation, we need not reinvent the wheel. But if we viewed things more dynamically (the way they actually exist) instead of as if things are rigid; we may realize that a little more freedom must be afforded to the learner in order to achieve understanding, which is more lasting than doing.
We instill (earlier with each generation it would seem) a fear of failure so intense that children are afraid to try anything new. We basically treat them the same way we treat people in government management: Make a mistake and you’re toast.
Much as it does with the government manager, it renders the child for all intent and purpose unable to find innovative solutions, unable to express the natural creativity that has been such a hallmark of all the good things about humanity.
We only seem to allow mistakes from those we deem early on to be supremely talented or special. They can do no wrong. Everyone else should just do exactly as they are told. Well, what that serves to do, truly, is to narrow our possibilities. We miss things we could have had because we pidgeon-hole everyone early.
That’s why now that I have been a scientist and a supervisor in parks and recreation, I love sharing with people that I was originally going to become an actor. You see, my parents allowed me to make mistakes. Now that I work across the fields of child development, physical education, youth sports, and parks / recreation, I have a deeper understanding having seen the world around me from many different angles.
If my parents and teachers and friends had not supported this, there would be no way I could have had the (sometimes innovative, sometimes inane) ideas that I have now. I have been allowed mistakes. My fear is that I couldn’t really exist now as a teenager. There is so much pressure and competition now that everyone “coaches” children to do things exactly the right way. And that is so wrong.
As always, what do you think?
9 comments
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April 12, 2009 at 2:17 am
Liz Donnelly
It’s hard to believe that people are so afraid to let go and permit their kids to make mistakes. Maybe it’s because I’m part hippy or that I am 12 of 13 kids and making mistakes was part of life and my parents accepted it (thank heaven!) -and most likely didn’t have too much time to dwell on it.
Nevertheless, I know that this phenomenon of “coaching” kids to be perfect does exist and it is sad for the very reasons you state.
Thanks, Kwame, for helping turn the tide on this way of thinking. It’s apparent to me that parents, who exercise this idea of kids doing things exactly the right way, are not well themselves.
Great post! (Next presentation you give, you’ll have to recite some Shakespearean sonnets or give your best Ethel Merman impersonation!)
Cheers,
Liz
April 12, 2009 at 4:43 am
Axelle
First of all, sorry for my English, I’m a French speaker. I’m sure there are many “mistakes” and I hope you will understand what I mean.
I understand your approach Dr. Kwame, it’s moreover very relevant. I think in a way you’re absolutely “right within the sport. “We learn from our mistakes”.
Nevertheless in life in general, it’s somewhat more mixed. I also believe that children up to adolescence are not mature enough to really know what is good or not for them in some cases. It is also here that education should occur, the role of parents, educators… They also have the role of guide and support in this hard course that is life.
The present world in which we live has changed. It is becoming more alarming, moral worth and principles have been completely overwhelmed. Mistakes can be fatal sometimes. This is the jungle and this role is even more important now.
So I think it is very important to warn against danger but it is also important to give them “free will” especially when it is about something that is very close to their heart, so that they can take responsibility, assertiveness and become what they want to become. It’s just the way of drawing their attention to some points, so they have all the elements to make the good choice.
April 13, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Josh
As usual, brilliant comments Kwame! I think this issue goes to the core of our (American) culture. We are typically mechanistic in our leanings in America, and highly rules-based. That leads to things like rote memorization, studying to the test (or event), etc., and leads away from things like experimentation and creativity.
This mechanistic outlook spreads to everything, including our outlook on learning (motor or any learning). We have to start spreading the word about the costs of this type of thinking/behavior, but it’s going to be an uphill battle. Our entire economy, our ideas of success and what it means to be successful, are built upon a foundation of myths.
April 13, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Lauren Muney
My experience as a behavior coach shows this to be true… and not just kids. Adults are the same way. It is important to show enthusiasm as people (kids, adults, learners, people trying new things, relationships too) start their discoveries. Sometimes the experience does make create create a successful attempt or project. Sometimes, it takes a few tries of experimentation.
In any event, it is important that employers, coaches, teachers, partners, ANYONE learn how to speak to another person. It’s not about “constant positive reinforcement” (‘Johnny, you are such a good little boy!’) but about query and interest – “What did you think about that move/game/lesson/ school?” Guide, be a support system, but making someone do something ‘correctly’ all the time makes a black and white life. Imagine someone always needing ‘something done better’: everything gets so precise, so rigid, no fun, no happy accidents. Wasn’t science built on discoveries never seen before – ie: limited rules? Isn’t art and creativity about free experimentation? Don’t we learn from pain as well as pleasure (eg: your acting career
There’s a great book on Developmental Coaching – mostly for corporations (business coaching), but speaks to any coaching whereby the person learns at his/her own pace. The author is Kegan, from Harvard. Really good examples of coaching wording so that the coachee learns how to improve.
April 13, 2009 at 6:55 pm
David Kittner
Right on Kwame. I couldn’t agree more. Parents, teachers, coaches etc. have got to put “doing the right thing” aside far more often and let children discover things on their own. Adults have got to learn how to give up control. They have got to start giving children the message that mistakes are okay. Making mistakes is a fantastic tool for learning. That is how children grow and learn, especially when it is on their terms so to speak. It definitely helps them in the long run for sure. Heck, I’m still making mistakes and still learning.
It’s a lifelong process that’is for everybody, children and adults alike. Nothing squashes the drive of a child like the fear of making a mistake instilled upon him/her by an adult.
David
April 30, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Michelle Campbell
Great information. I very much agree with what you are saying however, with my own children, I find it very hard to cut the umbilical cord. With regards to sports, activities, and peer relationships. I believe they need to learn mistakes through trial and error. When it comes to moral decisions such as the “Golden Rule”, drugs, alcohol, cheating, and lying I see black and white. My husband and I believe in integrity and character. There are just some things that should not be open for negotiation. I know being prior military and having a husband who is military, we are very consistent. Mike and I make sure they know what the consequences are for moral infractions and stand behind it.
We expect our children to do their best in school, sports, and responsibilities. If they have done their best, and still fail, try and find a solution to the problem. We ask them to question; do I really enjoy this sport, have I spent extra time with teachers and coaches to get help, and most of all, how can I make this fun? Even though I am in the fitness field, I only give advice to my girls when asked, which for me can be difficult.
Moving often sometimes brings my children to try things they never have. My teens gave up fall and spring softball (much to my dismay, but I didn’t say a word) for track and cross country. I couldn’t understand this decision since they have always been part of travel ball. They are not the best at CC and track but they are having fun and most of all they are moving. I am proud of them and happy that they are enjoying it
May 31, 2009 at 11:34 pm
drkmbrown
Michelle, great to hear from you, and your kids seem to be growing up great (of course I wouldn’t doubt that knowing you). I think that yes, where extreme danger is concerned, we should be black and white. I am more speaking to the helicopter or ego-driven parents when I talk about letting kids make mistakes. The whole idea is to let them make relatively safe mistakes so that they learn the skill of evaluating risk. Our society is slowly skewing toward over-regulating and overprotecting kids, then sending them out into a world that has huge risks when they are by definition ill-equipped to deal with that risk.
February 12, 2011 at 12:54 am
Kimberly
Kwame! I am in total agreement! Teaching second grade and working with the camp each summer I see it everyday. It’s sad too, I know countless people who were “coached” throughout their entire lives and they will never be able to come home put their feet up and say “I love my job.”
There is definitely a difference between mistakes children should be allowed to make and ones they should never consider, that’s where our job and that of the parents steps in.
Among the plenty of other benefits of being able to make mistakes, problem solving is one of the most important. I can’t tell you the deficit there is in elementary schools of this skill. Students are so terrified to try a new approach, explain their thoughts, or disagree with the teacher, that they only stick with the easy procedures and conclusions leaving little room for growth or exploration. What’s worse than that? Teachers that allow this to happen in their classrooms.
Very nice point Kwame! Thanks for bringing it up.
February 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Dr. Kwame M. Brown
Kim, thank you so much my friend! This is exactly what I am looking for – the recognition of these issues from teachers in the classroom. What, do they think you guys are stupid? Teachers have been calling attention to this problem for decades, you all see the trends occurring. Research has then borne it out. What are we waiting for?
Change is necessary, and hopefully eminent.