Something I have spent a little more time discussing lately is emotional regulation in children. I have dealt with a range of children, both in age and background. This means that there is a range of capabilities, maturity levels, and personalities.
In that I am a strong advocate for play, people are often surprised when I say that kids have cried, gotten angry, and even thrown temper tantrums in my sessions. If I’m so good, then they will always be all smiles, right? Wrong. Children are individuals!
The fact is, play explores a range of emotions. There is disappointment, elation, frustration, calm, anger, gratefulness, wishing, etc.
You know those people in your life that seem to fly off the handle at everything? They lack the ability to regulate emotion. What happened in their play environment growing up, I wonder…
What is the key?
The key is knowing that play allows children the ability to experience emotions through interaction, pretend, and exploration.
The problem comes when all the emotion in the room is directed and controlled entirely by the adult. The role of the adult is to go through these emotions with the child (ren), in a way that always brings them back to center. When in the past, I have said it is up to the adult to control the room, this is what I mean. It is your role to have the “even keel” that children need to see as they learn to regulate their emotions.
One of the ways in which I do this is to actually explore the emotion with the child (ren). This is sometimes done during the situation, or after. It depends on how large a group, how large the situation, and what else we are doing.
Practical example: If I see a young one getting frustrated, I may say (truthfully) the following:
“Sometimes I get frustrated too. I used to be really bad, and throw stuff. Do you know how I learned to deal with it? Try this: Take 5 deep breaths. With each breath in, think of one thing you could have done to get a different result.”
Sometimes it requires a cool down for a few moments, and I will invite (not yell at) the child to sit for a bit. 9 times out of 10, they welcome it.
Sometimes, they just need a hug and reassurance, or a hi-five. (yes, god forbid an adult should touch a child – sarcasm there).
What do you do? How have you dealt with emotion and children?
2 comments
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September 9, 2010 at 2:15 am
Michelle Mendez
Thank you very much for sharing your experience and a successful way of calming children. I am a HS art teacher, and making art can be a vulnerable and frustrating experience for a few students. I practice meditating to stay calm in class and will gladly try your strategy when I see a student getting frustrated. Thank you.
September 12, 2010 at 11:14 pm
Brendan P. Rose
Kwame I wanted to congratulate you on the work that you, along with your team have done to create places for children to play safely, thank you. Regarding the emotional development of children and environments that support healthy emotional development, children need to know that they may express their emotions and be understood. The communicative componant of emotional expression teaches the child that they need to be effective at getting the thing that they want or need. When a child’s emotions are dealt with in appropriate ways it teaches the child how to communicate effectively. What I encourage people to do is to try to find an environment that supports that type of learning. As you’ve experienced, children have an uncanny ability to detect false flattery, it’s important that we address the needs of children in an open and honest manner. How a child is spoken to palys an important role in the emotional development of that child. I would encourage others to excentuate behavior not the individual. “Tim, when you take the ball away from others it makes it difficult for others to want to play with you.” VS “No wonder no one wants to play with you Tim you’re a bad kid!” When you help children want to find solutions they grow up to be adults who help others find solutions, they become trained problem solvers Kwame.